I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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