Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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