That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why do cheetos always look like penises
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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