Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I want her autograph on my taint
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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