Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize