I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
