You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
