You made me cry and you don't even care
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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