I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize