Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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