I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
