I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
