I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
