someone get that fucking seahorse.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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