I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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