How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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