Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
