I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
