You just made me feel so damn special
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
