Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
