Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize