$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
