Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
