Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize