He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
