My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
