I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
