Ketchup is God's man juice
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
