god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
