Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
