He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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