bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize