Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
