he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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