I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
