I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
