Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
