my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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