please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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