Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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