before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
