My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
