You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
