I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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