they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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