my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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