His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize