ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
