I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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