does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
