I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
