we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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