I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
