She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
