My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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