Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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