you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
