He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
