I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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