The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
