that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
